


i'd take care of you (if you'd ask me to)

by loonyBibliophile



Series: maybe i won't die alone [7]
Category: The Librarians (TV 2014)
Genre: Autistic Cassandra Cillian, Autistic Meltdown, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-07
Updated: 2018-01-07
Packaged: 2019-03-01 13:14:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13295628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loonyBibliophile/pseuds/loonyBibliophile
Summary: Cassandra dug her nails into the loose knit of the oversized sweater she wears, and bounced her wrists against her thighs. Her eyes were clenched shut, and her face scrunched up tightly. This was not how she had wanted to spend her day. This was ridiculous. It was just groceries, she should be able to run to the store and pick up groceries, for goodness sake!





	i'd take care of you (if you'd ask me to)

Cassandra dug her nails into the loose knit of the oversized sweater she wears, and bounced her wrists against her thighs. Her eyes were clenched shut, and her face scrunched up tightly. This was not how she had wanted to spend her day. This was ridiculous. It was just groceries, she should be able to run to the store and pick up groceries, for goodness sake! But things had been conspiring against her all morning. The back door had malfunctioned, leaving Cassandra to have to take the bus to a store in town. Then, when she finally got to the store after a loud and stressful bus ride, there were only the big, normal shopping carts. She preferred using the small carts, with the two small levels of baskets. They were easier to steer, and they made less noise. And of course the store was crowded, forcing her to go down aisles out of order to avoid running into people. And then the self checkout machine had had a series of problems with her bags, then her rewards number, a handful of her groceries, and her card. By the time she was done checking out, she was about five seconds from total and complete meltdown. There was no way she could handle the bus home. Glancing around, she found a quiet corner of the shopping plaza, tucked her bags between her legs, and pulled out her phone. 

“Jenkins?” she asked once someone picked up, her voice high and strained. “Is the back door working again?”

“Yes, I fixed the wiring problem just a few moments ago. Are you alright, Cassandra?” on the other end of the line, Jenkins frowned. 

“I’m at the grocery store. Could you rig up the door and send someone through to come get me? Please? Soon?” she tried not to sound desperate, but she didn’t think she was succeeding. 

“Of course. I’ll have Mr. Jones there in just a second.” 

Cassandra nodded, even though Jenkins couldn’t see her, and hung up the phone without another word. A few moments later, Ezekiel ducked out of an under construction apartment building’s front door and jogged across the street to her. Before he beckoned her back to the door, or did anything else, he held his arms out for her, and she barrelled into him, letting him squeeze her tightly. He rubbed circles into her back, and Cassandra let out a series of ragged, squeaky breaths just this side of hyperventilating. She’s too keyed up to even feel embarrassed about him seeing her like this. She just stands there, her face in his chest and his arms around her, with the grocery bags scattered around their feet. 

“Are you okay?” Ezekiel asked, his voice carefully level. Cassandra shook her head against his chest, then shook her hand back and forth in a ‘so so’ gesture. “Do you want to go to your room?” he asked, still rubbing her arms. She nodded, and he let go of her to gather all the groceries up and make their way across the street. As they walked, Cassandra walked slightly behind him, clinging to the fabric of his shirt. 

When they passed through the door, Jenkin’s swooped in and took the bags from Ezekiel, and handed him two mugs full of tea. Ezekiel smiled at him gratefully, and he and Cassandra carefully made their way to her room. Cassandra was still silent, and had twisted her sleeves up into her hands again. 

“What do you need?” he asked, looking at her after putting the tea down. 

Cassandra opened and closed her mouth a few times, bouncing frustratedly on her toes, but never managed more than a bit of an annoyed squeak. Internally, she cursed. It had been years since she went non-verbal, and she wasn’t looking forward to the process of making Ezekiel understand what was happening when she couldn’t actually tell him. She tapped her mouth a few times with a finger and then shook her head. 

“You… can’t talk?” Ezekiel guessed, moving closer to her. Cassandra nodded. “Is this a magic thing or a-” he paused, shaking his head. “Wait, no, I should only ask one question at a time, so you can just nod yes or shake no. Is this a magic thing?” she shook her head no “Is it a physically sick thing?” another shake “So it’s an autistic thing?” she nodded

“Okay.” Ezekiel said, nodding and looking around. “Are questions okay? Easy ones?” 

Cassandra nodded, her fingers flexing and her feet still bouncing. But she was glad Ezekiel had at least sort of figured it out. She tapped her dresser a few times and gave him a pointed look. He nodded, and stepped out of the room so she could change. Cassandra shucked her day clothes off and exchanged them for a pair of very loose fleece pajama pants, fuzzy socks, and a well worn sweater she’d stolen from Ezekiel. She reopened her bedroom door, so he would know he could come back in, and went over to her bed. She figured if she laid down in her spot, like she would after a hard job, Ezekiel could probably figure out what she wanted. 

As Cassandra folded herself into the corner of the bed and the wall, in her massive nest of pillows, Ezekiel walks back into the room. 

“Do you want your weighted blanket, Caz?”

She nodded, watching as Ezekiel pulled the blanket from a white wicker basket by her bed. It was a heavy thing, obviously, and one side was covered in soft yellow cotton, and the other with pale blue minky dot. It had been the first thing she bought when she got her first paycheck from the library. 

“Do you want me to lay with you?” 

Cassandra nodded again, and so Ezekiel climbed into the bed beside her, helping her tuck the blanket at tightly around her as possible. She then turned onto her side, pressing her face into his chest. His arms wrapped around her and she sighed, trying to focus on the weight and pressure and the rhythmic sound of his heart beating beneath her ear. After a moment she leaned back slightly, and pointed to her head. Ezekiel looked at her for a moment, then a look of recognition sparked in his eyes. 

“Hat?” he asked, already leaning down into the basket. He handed it to her before she finished nodding, and she pulled it down over her hair and twisted the braids around her fingers. She then turned back into him, tucking her head under his chin so he would wrap his arms around her. He squeezed her shoulders, pressing a kiss into her hair. 

They laid like that for awhile, Cassandra cocooned into her blanket and tugging on her hat as Ezekiel wrapped himself around her tightly. The longer they laid there, the more she could feel the static of sensory overload fading away, ebbing out like the tides. As the static faded away, she could feel the vice grip on her vocal chords and the heaviness of her chest had started to ease. She took a deep breath. 

“Thank you.” she said quietly, her voice feeling strange in her throat. “I’m sorry you had to see me like that.” 

“Hey.” Ezekiel said softly, rubbing Cassandra’s arms “No apologies. This is just part of you, Caz.”

“Well you handled it admirably for a first timer.” she rolled over slightly, cuddling closer to him. 

“I may have done some research.” Ezekiel shrugged, looking down at her almost shyly. Cassandra beamed. 

“Who would have guessed? Ezekiel Jones, world’s greatest thief and the world’s most considerate boyfriend.” Her eyes went wide as she finished her sentence, as she realized neither of them had actually used those words before.

“I do my best. I did manage to steal the heart of the world’s greatest mathemagician, after all.” he winked at her. “Gotta pretty great girlfriend out of the deal too.” 

“Would you bring us some tea that’s not cold and some snacks? I could use a documentary and a very long, very horizontal hug.” Cassandra smiled over at him, shifting under her blanket. 

“Sure thing.” he lifted her laptop onto the bed for her, and kissed her forehead. “Find a good one and I’ll be back before you know it.”

Pulling the laptop up and opening it, Cassandra smiled and adjusted her position among all the pillows and the way her blanket laid over her lap. There were certainly worse ways to come down from an overload induced panic attack.

**Author's Note:**

> i really felt like this series needed a piece exploring the pitfalls of living as an autistic person. based heavily on my own experiences being talked down by my own amazing partner.


End file.
